In an announcement political analysts said was sure to earn the support of many undecided voters, former President Donald Trump promised to create a derogatory slur for Canadians.
Trump’s latest campaign pledge came on the eve of the highly anticipated debate against Vice President Kamala Harris, with Trump making a clear play to boost his popularity even further by vowing to unveil an epithet designed specifically to target America’s neighbors up north.
“It’ll be the biggest, most beautiful slur anyone has ever heard,” Trump said in the announcement. “For so many years, even before I became president, people always asked me, ‘What should we call Canadians?’ I know how to create slurs, believe me. Nobody is better at it. That is why, if I am elected, I promise to create an all-new derogatory slur for Canadians. ‘Hoser’ and ‘canuck’ are boring and lame. I will make a perfect slur for all Canadians, no matter who they are. Make Canadian slurs great again!”
Though no specific slurs were confirmed to be in the running, insiders leaked a short list of potentials, including “Syrup Suckers,” “Moose Huggers,” and “Eh-Holes.” While the final slur would not be revealed until after the election, Trump’s supporters were already anticipating its arrival. “It’s about time we got a Canadian slur,” said Trump voter Josiah Smith. “We’ve got them for people from other countries, and Canadians are pretty awful, so it’s only fitting that we have one for them. Plus, it’ll be from Trump, so you know it’ll be great.”
At publishing time, the Kamala campaign had responded by promising to come up with even better Canadian slurs.